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twofunkyhearts

welcome to my (mis)adventures

A Problem with Feminists

I’m all about equal pay, equal treatment, yadda yadda yadda. Perhaps more accurately feminism should be/is called humanism, but lately when it comes to gender equality, feminism is the term most widely recognized, though often misinterpreted.

Unfortunately I could write multiple posts about where extremism, aggression and victimization has taken the guise of feminism, but today I’m writing about a slightly lighter – though still serious – topic. 

It’s the championing of men who are domestically responsible. It’s the cheering that happens when a woman, who considers herself an ardent feminist, sees a man pushing a broom. It’s the standing ovation echoing the halls when a man loads a dishwasher. 

Sure, it’s cute and sure, everyone likes a bit of appreciation, but if someone truly considers themselves a feminist, shouldn’t the same happen for the woman who does these things on the regular? Shouldn’t anything a person do to be self-supporting, be taken as just that? 

My partner is amazing, but not because he cooks and cleans (he also eats and makes a mess). He’s amazing because of a whole host of other reasons I’m going to marry him for. But the other day when a woman saw him making me pancakes and told me I have the best boyfriend in the world and am lucky because he can make breakfast, I felt like my partner was being lessened, and I wondered what’s up with this common worldview of men. I’ve cooked for that same woman and my partner, cleaned the house, and done a lot of domestic work in her vicinity, but no one ever told me I’m the best girlfriend in the world for doing the dishes or taking out the trash. I don’t mean to pick on one person here – this female response is so typical it’s not limited to just this one person or situation. This isn’t the first and surely will not be the last time I hear someone complimenting my partner for doing his share. Regardless, I do want to table it for consideration as these small reactions really do say a lot. They also put an enormous amount of strain on women who are burning themselves out to have a clean house, take care of the kids, work, pay the mortgage, etc – all things that, if you’re a feminist, should be shared equally as the hum drums of life.

It’s these same women who will tell you that “it wasn’t like that in my day.” How they cooked and cleaned and scrubbed the toilet. How the men came home from work and soiled the pristine carpet with dirty shoes. They’re the ones who say they believe in feminism, and yet when they see it – a small sign of equality – they rush to treat it as the second coming. In that kind of atmosphere equality in the household cannot exist.  

And now, someone who can say this so much better than me… Ally Wong!

Gender MindBenders

As soon as you tell the greater public that a new baby is on the way, the most common first response is “Boy or girl?”

It’s certainly an interesting question, and one that is laden with significance. However, as we respond that we prefer to wait for the surprise, we’re often confronted with questions like “But how will you know what colour to paint the baby’s room?” or “What will you dress the baby in if you don’t find out if it is a boy or girl in advance?”

There’s an enormous amount of focus placed on how parents could possibly begin to be sensitive to a newborn’s gender if said baby is not dressed in either pink or blue. Many who do support the surprise of waiting for the birth, have said “Well, I guess you can dress the baby in neutrals.”

A lot of people find my zeal to not colour code our child a bit over the top, but it is absolutely fundamental to me. The kid, when it feels strongly about wardrobe decisions, can make them. But until then, they can get experience in all the colours of the rainbow, plus black, white and camo. They can wear “girl” clothes and “boy” clothes and run around in the buck for all I care. (And yes, as so many people love to tell me “little girls love dressing up like a princess!” I didn’t. I just loved dressing up in anything, multiple times a day. But yes, if they want to be a princess, they can be a princess, and that’s totally cool with me).

This is not just about what the kid wants and feels – it’s a baby! It’s about the expectations society has of children to express gender… and for what purpose? Observing adult behaviour towards young girls (or girls of any age, for that matter), I often hear first comments about the girl’s outfit. With boys, it’s often about toys or something about how strong or smart they are. (Much to my chagrin, at times I find myself falling into these patterns in conversation with children myself). It may seem like a leap to some, but how we speak to children and what we focus on is what they come to focus on. If they’re only ever told they’re “pretty” or they’re “strong”, then they value those things and pursue them. Why do we need to start this at birth? Perhaps if we could start looking past gender-specific conversation starters, we’d learn to have new conversations with children, ones that allow them room for thought and expression, help them to see that they are valued for more than how they look or how strong they are. We may learn something as adults too. We could ask them about their favourite books. Do they like nature? What animals have they seen? These are things I really try to work on in my own interactions with kids, and feel particularly motivated to be conscious of now that I will soon have one!

Additionally, all this baby-gender-labelling feeds mass consumerism, with people buying made-in-China baby clothes that are worn and thrown away within weeks. Fast fashion is so obvious in baby land, yet is not talked about because it’s considered cheap or uncaring not to buy something newly made in a sweatshop for a newborn. (Side note: fast fashion is the #2 polluter in the world behind oil). It’s so prevalent that when we mentioned we were expecting to a small group of friends, we were inundated by hand-me-down baby clothes 0-12 months, and within two weeks had two full sets of “girl” clothes and “boy” clothes. We had to kindly ask people to stop.

It may be a little young for a newborn to ponder these ideas, but I do not want to set the expectation that femininity comes from tutus and pierced ears. Nor do I want to encourage that masculinity means playing with trucks and being too tough to cry. I hope as they grow older, our child will think about these concepts, and decide what they mean to them.

Our pregnancy intersects with a fascinating time in history where, in addition to having views on how babies should present, everyone seems to also have an opinion on transgender rights and expression too. No one can escape being told by society what or how they “should” be. Despite the precedent of non-binary gender expression being an ancient concept in societies around the world, we now seem to feel that it is of utmost importance that political parties debate on it. It is rather ironic (but perhaps unsurprising) that society places such importance on how an infant is dressed, yet feels it should also be able to prevent an adult from deciding how to express their own gender.

A wise person once said “Expectations are the root of all resentments”. Maybe it’s smart to just leave everyone alone, and let them be whoever they’re going to become. We can all practice acceptance and maybe learn something from our differences.

I’m Not as Tough as I Hoped

This Blueberry has taught me a few humbling lessons so far. Dry wrenching in the bushes of a gas station parking lot is definitely humbling. As is getting winded after skiing (downhill) for only a couple of runs. So is reverting to my childhood dream diet of toast and chocolate almond milk more days than not.

What’s also humbling though is realising that I’m not all that tough. As I breathe heavily climbing the stairs up to our apartment and stop for a rest, I’m reminded of old war movies where they have to evacuate villages of women, children and the elderly to escape invaders. Inevitably there are always several pregnant women making the harrowing journey… and somehow they do it without complaint or loss of focus.

I, on the other hand, am perfectly safe, fed french toast by an amazing husband, and still want to complain.

I want to be that woman who does everything throughout pregnancy – swims in the ocean every morning through winter, cross country skis, explores the outdoors and camps in the backcountry. The one that other people think is “hardcore” and that the kid later looks back and thinks their mom is a badass.

But right now, I’d prefer to be horizontal on the couch, watching rugby and getting a foot massage.

1 + 1 = 2 & 110g

At last, I have found justification for emotional and erratic behaviour! As with all things, it has come with some cost. Namely my ski prospects are dismal this year (both in Canada and Australia winter seasons), I spend small fortunes on the the most expensive bakery bread one can find in the eastern suburbs, and the scales are tipping a few kilos heavier.

Of those few kilos, 110g is really what’s significant. Contained in that 110g is a little heart laying down some serious beats (we’re hoping this little heart will grow out of its deep trance music phase, but we’ve agreed to love and accept it no matter what).

Yes, it’s true! My parents are going to be grandparents! (and similar to when Sean attempted to tell them we love spending time together and wanted to get married and my father said “so, are you saying you want to move into the basement?”, when we told my parents they would be grandparents in early 2020 my mother’s response was “Wait – you’re not getting a dog, are you?” I am so glad I can still surprise them after all these years).

So that little surfing avocado you see is making me do all kinds of crazy things like sleep 14 hours a day, eat lots of carbs, and think about life insurance. It’s pretty awesome already. ❤

Cliffhanger Tensions

It’s been an unsettling few days in my personal climbing world. Sean and I went on a climbing move-binge over the weekend, watching Free Solo on Saturday and The Dawn Wall the next night.

Quickly, for those unacquainted with these films, they’re recently-released movies about climbing El Capitan in Yosemite Valley. Free Solo is a crazy story about a crazy guy named Alex Honnold who is known for free soloing. This means he uses no ropes, no gear at all to climb up a 3000 foot face of El Cap. Yes, if he falls, he’ll die. The second film is about Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgenson’s ascent of a previously unclimbed (and thought impossible) face of El Cap. They free climb/lead climb it, meaning that they have ropes in case they fall, but cannot use any artificial means to get up the wall. Also, if they fall during a section of the climb between natural rest stops, they have to re-climb that section from the beginning all over again.

Free Solo is a polarising story. Alex Honnold is now a famous face in the climbing world, known for unreal ascents of Half Dome (Yosemite), in less than 90 minutes in 2008. A few years ago, I think at Banff Film Fest, I saw the video of his climb up Half Dome. He gets to the ledge 2/3 of the way up, and freezes. The “gravity” (hardy har) of the situation hits him. Shit gets real. He cries. He wants to get off the rock, but well, he’s between it and a hard place and there’s no way to get off without climbing up. And he does. And it’s amazing. My impression of Honnold has been one of admiration. I look at him and think he’s a different breed, structurally, chemically different from the rest of us, and that he’s doing what he loves. The concept of death doesn’t seem to loom as large for him, yet it’s ever-presence drives him into the present moment. I really get that and think it’s a cool way to live. I can understand how the higher the stakes, the more aware, the more present you have to be. There’s no space for a busy mind. The risk is high but the real awareness of of living can’t be underestimated.

Reviews on the movie are diverse. I absolutely cannot watch horror movies but am thrilled and inspired by stories like Honnold’s. Sean, however, was shaken up by what he saw in Free Solo. Immediately following the credits he turned to me and using colourful language described what an idiot Honnold must be. Some jerk part of me just thought Sean didn’t get it, he wasn’t a climber, couldn’t appreciate the focus and skill and presence that was required for Honnold’s ascent. But the next day when I went to the climbing gym, I heard the range of polarising views that both Sean and I had disagreed over. There were climbers who refused to watch the film, saying it was promoting danger for commercial gain (it’s hard to get away from that argument, considering the culture of free soloing is one of, well… solitude). Some feel it is the sell-out of the climbing community to film his ascent and release it to the masses. There are others who see him as an addict, a climbing junkie that needs bigger danger to get a rush.

I see and agree with all of these views while still remaining in awe and inspired by Alex Honnold and impressed at the film. The schism in my thoughts and feelings around it though are ironic to me though, as climbing has always been a place for singular focus, singular thought, and compete presence. While I’m impressed, there’s a part of me that wishes I never saw the film, and that it had never been made.

Hello 33: Year of the Wombat

There are few presents better than a new friend for one’s birthday, and I feel very privileged to have gotten to know Josephine this year. We first met when Sean and I stopped at Potoroo Palace on the way home from our honeymoon in the south of New South Wales, and she’s been in my heart ever since.

Potoroo Palace, for the uninformed, is an incredible animal sanctuary, primarily for Australian marsupials that are under threat by feral animals – especially foxes and cats – and all other critters affected by highway accidents, negligent owners, drought, etc. Prior to coming to Aus I had no idea how many little defenceless marsupials call this place home. Sugar gliders, quolls, potoroos are just a few of the extra-adorable (and endangered!) ones that will persuade the most ardent cat-lover to put a leash on it.

Josephine has grown since we saw her last in March. She’s now around 12 months old and is much more assertive in her den. She’s burrowed countless holes into the dirt and can be seen popping her head up from any of them at random. She’s free to come and go as she likes, but she’s still a big baby, and depends on the carers at Potoroo Palace for some extra help and a lot of affection since her own mother died in a highway accident when she was still in the pouch. Josephine now enjoys head butts, and you have to watch carefully when stepping into her domain as she’ll take a few steps back before beginning her run into your leg. It might sound funny, but it can hurt if she catches you off guard! She’s not trying to do harm, just playing and testing out her abilities. Wombats are built like little tanks, with their skulls extra thick at the front for precisely this purpose. Interestingly, wombats also have an extra bony plate on their backside to use against any predators that try to follow them underground into their burrow – a threatened wombat will fight the predator by turning its bum to the foe and thrusting upwards to squash the predator’s head against the top of the burrow. They’re cute, but dangerous!

Hello 33… I feel so lucky to have another lap around the sun with Sean and Josephine. Life just gets better. ❤

Day 7: A Girl Has to Eat!

It’s Day 7 and the hungers have hit hard. Earlier in the week I thought it was smooth sailing, that this year was so much easier than last year. However since Day 5 arrived, it’s been a slow, steady decline in energy and fortitude.

If one was fasting or not taking in any sugars, with the body starved of glucose, they would enter a state of ketosis fairly quickly, within a few days. At this time the switch is made from burning readily available glucose (sugar), to using stored fat. While there’s a lot of debate around nutritional ketosis, burning fats to fuel the brain and body is very efficient and can be quite energising. Just to be clear, to enter that state you’d need to be eating less that 0.5g of sugar each day – regardless of source (including fruit!).

By comparison, on the refugee diet, we’re getting simple sugars the form of white rice and processed flour. Anyone eating this diet is getting so little nutrition (no Vitamin C at all), is extremely low on calories, but yet never enters ketosis. At the same time there’s not enough protein to be sustaining. My calculations put us at approximately 5g of sugar per day (1/5th the maximum recommended intake for women – 1/7th for men). Eating refugee rations puts you on the roller coaster of a high-glycemic diet while at the same time providing a low quality vegetable oil as the only fat (300ml for the week). This means a lot of meals are fried, contributing to the inflammation and general malaise already caused by the quality and quantity of food.

To put this in context, compare the 5g of sugar intake per day on a refugee ration diet to the average Australian daily intake of 60g.

…Neither is a good idea.

Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics

How people could possibly raise families on this type of diet is totally beyond imagination. I cannot begin to think what it must be like for parent to watch their children grow up under the duress of a refugee camp, to not have enough to eat, to get sick, to have limited resources (including energy!) to learn. This week has been such a reminder of just how truly fortunate we are to have a safe place to sleep and enough to eat. Scraping the plate for every last grain of rice, weighing each meal out careful to ensure supplies last, the limitations of energy makes me realise just how abundant we.

Thank you all for donating so generously to this cause. We’ve now raised over $1900 and will have our page open for further donations over the coming weeks.

Tomorrow we will break our rationing with pancakes! Time to to sleep so morning comes quickly!

Day 6: Everything is Grey

Day 6 is an extension of Day 5. The hours pass slowly and everything feels a bit dull. Looking back on last year’s post at this time, I felt the same way then. Lethargic, low, grey.

This is only 6 days of eating low-calorie, low-nutrition food. I can’t imagine how someone living in a refugee camp, surviving violence and terror, losing home and family, vulnerable and frightened, would feel. Food is such a small part of their experience, but living on these rations makes me truly grateful for how much of the refugee experience I don’t have to live.

Thankfully I have been kept busy teaching yoga at the nursing home around the corner. It seems the older generation often notes how fortunate we are to be in Australia. They call it the “land of milk and honey”, where people have enough to eat and a safe place to sleep. Most of them lived through the second world war and it is never forgotten. Gratitude and awareness of the good in life is always on their mind – something easily forgotten when living in constant comfort.

The support from our community has been incredible. We’ve raised over $1700. The generosity and empathy of our friends and families towards this cause is inspiring. Thank you!

I’m off to teach another class, thank goodness, otherwise I’d just melt down into my chair and slide into a puddle on the floor. Wish me luck, and, as usual, donate here.

Day 5: You’ve Got to Groove in the Face of Adversity

This morning I woke up sad. There was no reason for it, I just felt a bit down and not quite myself. I remember feeling rather low during much of the Ration Challenge last year. Mid-afternoon is when my energy plummets, and the struggle is real! I become dyslexic at times, and struggle to keep my lefts and rights straight (not good for a yoga teacher!). Fortunately a solid meditation practice evens me out in the morning, and yoga is a good refresher in the afternoon. Still… I miss my snacks.

I love snacks, but I have noticed that they fill the gap often when I’m tired and need sleep or restless and need exercise. Or when I’m feeling low and need to talk. This week has demonstrated how much easier it is to mindlessly eat something instead of notice what I’m feeling and what I actually need.

To me, the challenge of eating rations for the week is less about quantity of food than quality of it. If I had to guess, I’d say fruit and veg comprise about 70% of what we eat, and my energy levels are directly impacted by their absence. It makes me wonder how people who don’t eat fruit or veg must feel on a regular basis.

You’ve got to groove in the face of adversity.

Don Was
Don Was. Grooving.

Teaching yoga and working has been wonderful. Aside from some parietal lobe dysfunction and noisy stomach rumblings (a little awkward during savasana), it’s been a very welcome way to get my thoughts off myself and be of service, which is really energising.

Next up, Day 6 – which is only 4 days from birthday cake on Sunday! (Happy birthday to me!) I know you were planning on sending a present, but let’s just make it easy and you can donate to the Refugee Ration Challenge instead? 🙂

As a thank you for reading, a link to the always-grooving Don Was (quoted above), from his pre-Rolling Stones era:

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