I don’t think I ever expected to get married. I always thought it would be nice to find someone that I’d want to marry, but expectations and personal thirst for change, new places and freedom made me think marriage wasn’t much of an option for someone like me.
People say “when you know, you know”, and I suppose that applies to me. I still have the sense that change is constant – even more constant now that I live in coupledom. Smaller changes, little thoughts and feelings get a voice – or more accurately, an ear, which makes life feel bigger. Little things are more significant, small pleasures like sharing a meal or hanging curtains are oddly satisfying. (How my 24 year old self would cringe to read this!)
Despite comparison to my old busy life, “settling down” has done anything but settle me down. Instead I’ve supercharged into an agent of continual revision. Because that ear is there, it holds me accountable not just to my dreams and plans, but also to being a nicer, more caring, more patient, compassionate person.
With time I realise that many things I thought so important were restrictive just by nature of holding them so tight. Stressed importance leads to increased expectation, and a firmer insistence on the way things “should be”.
Take our upcoming nuptials for example. My parents married in 1982 on a Tuesday night in front of 21 people when my dad got home from work. I always thought that was the way to do things. Quiet, intimate, no fuss. And that is a way of doing things. However the man I’m marrying is not a quiet, no-fuss kind of guy. He makes a fuss in the best possible way – Christmas, birthdays, the month of April, Mondays, Tuesdays – are all things to be celebrated in his book. So why should a wedding be less of an occasion?
Initially opposed to having more than 60 guests, I’ve now relaxed and in opening our wedding up to over 100, I’ve had the pleasure of many people (unexpectedly delighted at receiving an invitation to share our day) send love our way. It’s so fun already and the wedding is still 7 weeks away!
Things change. Life is change. The more life goes on and things change the more I realise I never know what is good or bad. Hell, I often don’t know even years after if something was good or bad. Changes just happen and I suppose the only thing to do is to set one’s self up to respond in the most positive way to the twists and turns of life’s rollercoaster. Besides, change never hurt Bowie.